Saturday, August 06, 2011

*whispers* Umar

I will whisper your name.
With the young wrinkled face
Susceptible to illnesses at slight provocation
Tossing us into utter chaos and pandemonium
With constant fainting spells.

I will whisper your name.
The unfocused, indecisive and adamant
Come! Pray! Tell!
Who be the head? (or shall I say “was”)
You, the man-wife
or She, the wife-man?

I will whisper your name.
The shoddiest of guinea pigs
The advocate’s play thing
With your supposed supportive neck,
Spinning you till your sight be out of the focus it be in.
You had the least luck of all those who have inhabited
Though you was seconded by Noluck in goodlock clothing.

I hear shouts:
Allah akbar!
May allah be praised!
I think of what to say,
I think, “Rest in Bliss”
But I don’t say.
Instead, I whisper your name:
“Umar Musa Yar’adua”

Don't Be The First To Laugh

So as we were done collecting our call-up letters, I asked aloud if anyone was up for a movie and as is to be expected, the ‘bad-beles’ hissed and turned round, some rushed for the ATM machines and the rest of us who had actually planned to watch a movie waited.

Eventually, the lot of us piled ourselves into a bus and was well on our way. I happened to be sitting at the front by the door. It was time to pay for the bus fare so I brought out N40 change and absent-mindedly held it up while searching for gum in my bag.

The Ibo guy sitting next to me tries to grab the change out of my hand and then I look up, giving him that ‘are you nuts’ look. Then he goes, “give me now” and then I start………
“There are such things known as manners and courtesy which requires you to ask, ‘can I have your change?’ instead of you snatching the money out of my hand”.

With a look of disbelief, he asks the typical Ibo man’s questions- “are you talking to me like that?”, “do you know who I am?”

In that instant, I went from being pissed off to being intrigued so I say……..”Oh no! I don’t know but please! Pray! Feel free to burden us with the knowledge of your insignificant and most likely, ‘impactless’ existence. Do tell us who you are”

For about ten seconds, all he did was stare and blink. Just as he opened his mouth to speak, I said “Oh, I’m sorry. Pardon me good sire but I’m gonna have to get down now. Perhaps, you can tell me all about yourself some other time, your royal dumbness!”

As if on cue, the bus slows down at a bus stop and I hop down, sliding my shades on, with my head held up high, my hips swaying and my heels clicking on the walkway as I walked. A wicked grin crossed my face as a thought dropped in my mind- ‘wow, that mustta hurt!”. As I kept walking, still feeling fly from the encounter I just had, a herd of bike men cluttered in a corner called out, “Nigerian Oyinbo”.

Ordinarily I would have been pissed at that but this was no ordinary day, so I slowed down, gave them a hip side celebrity pose and did the royal wave (you know the type that you shake your palm without moving your wrist?!)
They all cooed back like horny cows so I turned and looked up ahead. At that point, my phones started blaring and then my smiled wiped off as it suddenly occurred to me, “I HAD GOTTEN OFF AT THE WRONG STOP!” I shook my head and sighed, “What a day!” I needed to take a bike immediately but the goons I just smiled at weren’t an option so I walked up some more.

Eventually, I got upstairs and found everyone with their tickets waiting to be cut. Because they weren’t gonna go in without me, they had to wait. They all had daggers in their eyes so I tried to work up a huge smile. One after the other, they strolled into the theatre, hissing and eyeing me while the only two people- Yemisi and Folu- who would always care enough to talk to me regardless asked, “whatever were you thinking?” I didn’t know what to say, so I smiled and shrugged.

Folu turned his back and walked off while Yemisi, the only person who cared enough to pay my bills in absentia asked, ”Can I have my 1k back?” so I dug out some money and slapped it in her palm and she walked off too. I sighed again, “oh, what a day!”

By the time I walked into the theatre, my friends had taken the whole row of the backmost and uppermost chairs and I had to seat by my self on a lone row. The only good part of everything was that we didn’t have to watch 15mins of commercials!

Tuesday, August 02, 2011

cHeW oN iT!

As I walked into the restuarant with my date, I couldn't help but smile as I looked him over again. Gosh! He's such a beaut! I applauded myself for a job well done because everyone turned to take a look at him. I could almost swear that i'ld have been very content just looking at him.

We were served the first course- chicken noodle soup. It was so delicious! I couldnt help but notice his cutlery continually hitting his plate while he ate and I found it weird but said nothing. The second course- fried rice and sweet and sour sauce. Hmmmm! Delicious! Wait. What?! I paused and watched him with my mouth open... .my date was chewing loudly and with his mouth open?! I would have done anything to get out of there. I could feel the stare on us and I could bet I had turned red. Oh Lord! Anything but this.... .and then it hit me! The perfect excuse- "I have MPs. Please take me home." And that, was the end of my nightmare!

The old teenage Man!

It hurts my mind. It bruises my heart. It pierces my soul. I see you. Such a fine young man. Well brought up. You my classmate. Well behaved. Your character really impresses. But now. Barely a year after. You have gone crazy. Obsessing about girls. Clubbing excessively. Smoking everything you can get in a wrap. Drinking everything in any bottle. And shamelessly publicizing it to the world. Oh! Such degeneration! Those that see him say. 'it is the fault of his mother.' Poor woman! But is it not her fault? Of course it is! She taught him. Imposed all on him. Chained him. Watched all his movements. Her eyes are like those of a hawk. He felt controlled. Caged. Bound. Restricted. Now he is free. He misbehaves. She grieves. Now he is in his late twenties. Yet. He lives the life of a teenager. Engaging in activities his friends did as youngsters. Shunning things of importance his mates now regard. What a waste! Though hope is not lost. He may grow up in his late forties. Who knows?

*shakes head* Indeed, it saddens me!

- This is to all parents with young children. Guide and teach them quality morals and principles, then give them a bit of space and let them make their mistakes while you pray for them. This story here is real. Take caution so your children don't start to act like kids when they are supposed to become responsible. Tag other parents on this please!

*Troubled Heart*

I stand at that point.
At a crucial moment do I stand there.
My mind, must I make up.
For this cause must I take up.
Contemplation need I do.
But the luxury of contemplation do I not possess.
Unforeseen spiritual cause
As against long-termed schemed plans
Wrestle before me.
Will immersed in freedom
Opposing discipline bordering on the threshold of bondage;
Do I have the privilege to choose of.

Shall I on the holy part tow as the cleric pronounced
And my dreams bury?
Shall I my cravings fulfill and heavenly duty defy?
Though regardless, it be sure that
Greatness shall I attain.
Needless nonsensical choices do I not desire to effect!

Do not Man occasionally confuse their notion for the Still Small?
The Book doth utter thus, "Thy will be done!"
If it be not righteous service that contends,
Ascertaining would be a frisk.
The Almighty doth love me immeasurably;
Cushioning me at every instance,
Strengthening me so my challenges I subdue.

My heart bleeds, for my dreams I hold so near.
And the workings of the Lord, I hold so dear.

Here have I been before,
Believing that in a probable next stance,
Shall I know how to do.
Now I be of no hint,
Quite as in the time afore.

What road to walk?
Doubt uninvited sits to dine.
When shall I bid bye?
To do, what?

I Met Him!

Image result for friend zonedI dropped my pen. "I am tired....and hungry." The thought propelled me out of my chair as it occurred to me that I had skipped breakfast. I needed to be in the office as early as possible because I had so many scripts to write. "Phew! Today's gonna be a real long day", I mumbled as I walked out of my establishment.

I've done quite well for myself. It's just been two years since P.O.P. and I already own a boutique and a bead-making salon. I am one of Nigeria's hottest radio presenters and a recognised script writer for advertising agencies. I am happy, content, fulfilled and comfortable.

I nodded at the doorman as he saluted. My driver moved forward to enquire where I wanted to go but I waved him off. I had decided to take a stroll to the nearest KFC. My secretary had given me a weird look when I had told her I was going to get lunch. That's part of her job but I needed to get out, you know, get some air.
I walked into the eatery confidently with my head held high and as expected, a lot of people turned to stare but that doesnt bother....... Christ! "Whose eyes are those?" At that point I had an idea of how Jesus must have felt when He asked who touched him. I stopped and turned to look. At that point, he got up and seemed to be walking towards me. I was still staring when it occurred to me that he WAS, as a matter of fact, walking towards me. "Walk", I commanded my legs but my usual confident gait had a wobble to it this time. I cursed under my breath and pinched myself. He was still following me, I could feel it. Against my good reasoning, I glanced back and he had this mocking twinkle in his eyes. Damn! I looked around and noticed the interested glints in their eyes. "Why is the walk to the counter this long?" Finally, I got there and gracefully started ordering my lunch. He got behind me and said, "hello". I swallowed spit as I turned to reply, but for the life of me, I couldn't but stare.......... 

"Ma'am, your order is ready", the cashier said with disgust in her voice. I turned and slapped some money in her palm while giving her an icy stare. She must have gotten the message because she muttered an apology. I made to get my tray when he said, "I'll carry that for you if you dont mind". It wasnt a question so I walked off to my favorite spot without a word.

I knew the media would have a field day, as they had been trying to dig up dirt on me but I didnt care. I had been working since morning and this was my reward!

He placed my tray before me with a slight frown. He sat opposite from me and said, "my name is Malcolm Onikoyi and I own Mckoy Autos". Aha! He seemed a little familiar but it didnt click until now.

Meet Malcolm, the most introvertish celebrity. A billionaire and the most-sort-after bachelor. You could never catch him attending an elite party or any other one for that matter. He owns Mckoy Foundation and Medical Centre where men with postrate cancer are given the best care in the country. You would expect someone like that to be in his mid-forties but the guy just turned 30yrs old last month. Such achievements! He is so.....

"Are you listening to me?"
"No. Pardon me. What were you saying?" He stared at me in disbelief but got over it quickly and then repeated himself, "from where I was sitting, I saw you walking up here and wondered if you would like to buy a car, so you wouldnt have to walk around; or another car, if your bored with the current one you have."

I paused to look at him and before I could open my mouth, he pushed a complimentary card into my palm and walked off.

"I should have sent my secretary! It's part of her job."

My Synopsis

A lot of them often wonder. Today, I join the band-wagon of wonderers. I join them, not because I'm bothered but because the intensity of their wonderings amuse me.

Their incessant unwavering stares and unending whisperings ought to unnerve me. Ordeashi! I walk on with my shoulders squared and my head held high, with my usual confident gait.

I'm that gal who realised, perhaps too early, that she is different from others.

I'm that gal who is insanely popular but has very few committed friends.

I'm that gal who gets a fourth glance of awe but is often ignored when occasion calls, "she just wont do!"

I'm that gal who often appears to be all buttered up and cush but who know the struggles I've had?

I'm that gal who may often appear to be comfortable but my numerous needs do they know nothing of.

I'm that gal who may often come across as tongue-tied but wishes she could let show all her social skills. "What is stopping her then?" I swear I would answer if I knew.

I'm that gal who didnt graduate with a 1st class but is incredibly witty and intelligent.

I'm that gal who is often by-passed without being given a chance to show what substance she's made of.

I'm that soul-load of talent, waiting for the purposed time to bust forth!

I'm that star up in the sky that would shine bright even through the thickest clouds.

I am that positive energy waiting to course through your body and get you through everyday of your life.

I am who I am!
Who are you?!

sHe LoVeS tHe PlEaSuRe WaVeS!

I was feeling real good and was in the mood for a little hang time with my gals, so I headed out to Beck's Lounge (my fav spot). As I strolled leisurely along Torres Avenue, someone bellowed, "Yo, Vonny"! I turned and........Christ, I haven't seen this guy in months!

"Steeeeeve!" I screamed as we both ran to hug each other. We were still busy forming 'long lost love' when a car horn blarred, forcing us off the middle of the road. Never mind the driver's cursing, I hadnt seen Steve in a while and we had a lot to catch up on. With my initial date temporarily forgotten, Steve and I headed to d closest eatery.

I was still filling Steve in on 'wat's new' when my three phones started buzzing all at once. With profuse apologies, I placated my gals and then agreed to meet up with Steve again in two hours.

I got to Beck's Lounge and found my friends sulking. I apologized again and soon enough, we were 'sniffing' up some smirnuff with nkwobi while updating each other on other people's relationships- you know the girl gossip thingy now.

Two hours flew by quickly and my pals made faces when I told them I had to leave. As I waked off, one of them yelled, "Na man dey make you run leave us shey". I chuckled and thought, "how true that is". As I got into a cab, I began reminiscing on my first meeting with Steve.....

......."Not again. Aaarrrrgghhh!". My computer has been blanking out on me repeatedly in the past few days, causing me to lose some of my work each time. "That's it! I'm going to get my lappy fixed right now", I yelled to my secretary as I walked past her desk. I wanted to run this errand myself because its the perfect excuse to see my gal-buddy, Rebecca, and drag her to lunch with me.

Now Rebecca owns Becca ICT Inc. (she hates being called becky), so of course, my laptop will be fixed with no charge.

As I climbed up the stairs, a guy darted from a corner and ran into me, causing me to drop my laptop. He apologised profusely but it was of no use, my laptop was gone! Becca was out in seconds, apologizing and offering to get me another. We still got to talk a bit but couldnt have lunch. The incident made Becca feel really bad.

I was over at Lagoon restaurant the next day, waiting for my brother so we could have our once-a-month dinner when I spotted the guy from yesterday, strolling in. I bowed my head hoping if wouldnt see me but......

"Hello there. We didnt get properly acquinted yest. Do you mind if I join you till your guest arrives?" He didnt wait for a reply and note, he didnt say anything about my laptop.

My initial thought was to throw him off but I changed my mind and he turned out to be a lot of fun. After an hour, it was more than apparent that my brother had stood me up, so we just went on enjoying the evening..........

.....I strode towards the eatery, barely able to contain my excitement and then stopped short at the door and stared. Steve was already sitted inside, waiting for me. By now you may have guessed that Steve and I are a little more than friends but that's it! We have never been able to move past there- which is nowhere.

Barely two months after the incident with my laptop, Steve left Becca's to start his own company. I was ecstatic! We got along great but Steve was so into his company that there was no room for 'us' to exist. Some three months after he started his company, I got called out of Lagos for two months to voice a 3D animated movie, so we became lost in our separate worlds.

Looking at him through the glass door now, I felt it wrong to walk in there and more or less, start all over again. Steve is the best but he is married to his work. He is the kind of guy you might have to date(alongside his job) for six years before he marries you, only to play second fiddle to his job.

The thought of it all caused me to be overwhelmed with sadness. I slowly let go of the door handle I had been holding and walked away. Away from the eatery, from the love and hurt, from the pain and pleasure. Away from Steve!


When its time to write exams, we all go to the library to read. At some point or the other, some or all of us read so much for a paper that when it iwas time to write in the hall, our brains froze- we went blank and then we beat ourselves for not remembering.

Well, I have not written a single story or even an inspirational piece in two solid months! If you have ever gone blank in an exam hall before, then you know how I feel. I hate to call it "writer's block" because that term sort of trivializes this problem.

I'm sorry that I have choosen to burden you with my ramblings but I made up my mind that no matter what, I would write something today. no matter how blank you get, you will always be able to write about being blank at least.

I know I have been sounding like a broken record thus far but the good thing about me is no matter how moody I get, I always try to look on a possible bright side. so raise your glasses comrades, here's to the beginning of the blocking of our writer's block!

Monday, August 01, 2011

The void

Every human being was born with this emptiness inside. This is why somehow and someway, we have this maddening desire to fill it up. The desire to close up that gaping hole in us and get on with it.

Some have attempted filling it with acquisition of clothes. Some are ridiculously impatient to start a family.Some have tried to fill this unquenchable thirst with the love for cars. Others like me may even believe the choir ministry is all that is needed.

None of this is enough. All of these are not enough. Be honest with yourself, these things only give you a temporal high, up untill it doesn't and then you're back to square one.

I don't mean to preach today but maybe I should. I have been in this p;lace of thirst countless times and only today have I realized and come to a full understanding that nothing and absolutely nothing can fill this void except..........

No matter how much money you make. No matter how perfect your fiance(e) is. No matter how 'porsche' you are. No matter how much you kill your conscience and numb your senses to the reality of this void, you will never be able to fill it and it will never go away unless you develop a RELATIONSHIP WITH GOD

Just so we are clear, not even your work for God can compare to the intensity and passion one gets from knowing the Father. It is not even enough to be born again or saved alone.....WALK WITH GOD!