Don't Be The First To Laugh

So as we were done collecting our call-up letters, I asked aloud if anyone was up for a movie and as is to be expected, the ‘bad-beles’ hissed and turned round, some rushed for the ATM machines and the rest of us who had actually planned to watch a movie waited.

Eventually, the lot of us piled ourselves into a bus and was well on our way. I happened to be sitting at the front by the door. It was time to pay for the bus fare so I brought out N40 change and absent-mindedly held it up while searching for gum in my bag.

The Ibo guy sitting next to me tries to grab the change out of my hand and then I look up, giving him that ‘are you nuts’ look. Then he goes, “give me now” and then I start………
“There are such things known as manners and courtesy which requires you to ask, ‘can I have your change?’ instead of you snatching the money out of my hand”.

With a look of disbelief, he asks the typical Ibo man’s questions- “are you talking to me like that?”, “do you know who I am?”

In that instant, I went from being pissed off to being intrigued so I say……..”Oh no! I don’t know but please! Pray! Feel free to burden us with the knowledge of your insignificant and most likely, ‘impactless’ existence. Do tell us who you are”

For about ten seconds, all he did was stare and blink. Just as he opened his mouth to speak, I said “Oh, I’m sorry. Pardon me good sire but I’m gonna have to get down now. Perhaps, you can tell me all about yourself some other time, your royal dumbness!”

As if on cue, the bus slows down at a bus stop and I hop down, sliding my shades on, with my head held up high, my hips swaying and my heels clicking on the walkway as I walked. A wicked grin crossed my face as a thought dropped in my mind- ‘wow, that mustta hurt!”. As I kept walking, still feeling fly from the encounter I just had, a herd of bike men cluttered in a corner called out, “Nigerian Oyinbo”.

Ordinarily I would have been pissed at that but this was no ordinary day, so I slowed down, gave them a hip side celebrity pose and did the royal wave (you know the type that you shake your palm without moving your wrist?!)
They all cooed back like horny cows so I turned and looked up ahead. At that point, my phones started blaring and then my smiled wiped off as it suddenly occurred to me, “I HAD GOTTEN OFF AT THE WRONG STOP!” I shook my head and sighed, “What a day!” I needed to take a bike immediately but the goons I just smiled at weren’t an option so I walked up some more.

Eventually, I got upstairs and found everyone with their tickets waiting to be cut. Because they weren’t gonna go in without me, they had to wait. They all had daggers in their eyes so I tried to work up a huge smile. One after the other, they strolled into the theatre, hissing and eyeing me while the only two people- Yemisi and Folu- who would always care enough to talk to me regardless asked, “whatever were you thinking?” I didn’t know what to say, so I smiled and shrugged.

Folu turned his back and walked off while Yemisi, the only person who cared enough to pay my bills in absentia asked, ”Can I have my 1k back?” so I dug out some money and slapped it in her palm and she walked off too. I sighed again, “oh, what a day!”

By the time I walked into the theatre, my friends had taken the whole row of the backmost and uppermost chairs and I had to seat by my self on a lone row. The only good part of everything was that we didn’t have to watch 15mins of commercials!