*holding up a finger while gritting my teeth* Don’t……

It seems to me like at some point when the world froze all females in time, all our men attended a 1-day workshop where they were taught and trained to apologise the moment they notice an important female in their life is angry.

Take for instance, a few days back, my friend had done something to piss me off. At the time, he must have been oblivious to the fact that I would get pissed. When he noticed I was pissed about something, he immediately apologised.

I hear a male ask, “But isn’t that what women want”?

Well, you are on track but you just do not seem to get it. All that training, wasted! And I’m guessing it’s one of two things, whoever trained the entire male folk either did a bad job or the male folk are a bit slow. Either way, the problem still exists i.e. if it has not been worsened.

“Worsened?” Yeah, worsened!

After my friend apologized, I became livid. Why? He did not even know for what reason he was apologizing. I know it may seem to our men folk that we are asking for too much, after all, they do have their ego.

Is it not, however logical that when a girl is pissed at you, you ask exactly why she is upset and then, apologize it she has a point? What if she is under the wrong impression and you are the one who deserves the apology after all?

Aside all that, it’s actually insulting you know. I’m pissed about something and you just apologize without finding out why I am upset. It’s like you shutting me up so I don’t get to ‘rake’ about how you peeved me. I mean, who does that anyway?! (It’s a rhetorical question, just in case……)

Like I said earlier, you ‘guys’ just don’t seem to get it………and that, is a loaded statement by the way!

Cream Skin (Non-fiction)

Being an albino, I have had all kinds and manner of experiences, especially with the locals. In reaction to my uniqueness, people have uttered all sorts, ranging from simple harmless ‘hellos’ to quite unsavoury words, to downright embarrassing statements.

Just like there have been all sorts of reactions to me or my skin colour if you will, have I also had series of reactions to them and their commentaries. I have gone from replying simple greetings of “Oyinbo” (not that it’s exactly a greeting if you ask me) to simply ignoring them. There have been rare times of humorous interactions, albeit how brief and times of utter disgust and more rare times of hurt.

One of the humorous times I would never forget was when I had to walk past Sodehinde Hall and quite a number of boys started calling out. I could have been pissed but decided to stop and do the royal wave instead (you know that one where you move your palm side to side without moving the rest of your arm?!)  

Of course, my little act caused them to cheer more and so I decided to increase the tempo of the moment- I blew them a kiss and the noise pitched. At this point, I had to walk away briskly as people had started to gather to see what was causing such raucous.

You must wonder, “So why is she writing this”?

Well, I had another humorous encounter yesterday and thought to share it wich’al. Folu and I had met up earlier in the day, watched a movie and did a bit of catching up. All the while, we had folks staring at us like we were for’ outta space’ (or maybe just me sha). We decided it was time to go home and so, continued gisting as we strolled leisurely towards the bus stop.

All of a sudden, a bus that had been speeding from a street behind us slowed and packed from across us and to our utter shock and surprise, about six guys started to bellow from the bus windows, 

                      

They sang this a number of times and then zoomed off just as suddenly as they had packed. I could not help but laugh. My belly still hurts from laughing hard because I thought it quite hilarious. I am not sure how exactly Folu felt about the whole episode but I gotta tel’ya, it was, strangely but sweetly, the highlight of my day! *chuckles*

With this ring…....

The doors burst open and the “Here Comes the Bride” tune started to blast from the piano. My dada and I started the customary slow-walk up the aisle. When we had gotten close enough, my dada reached out and gave me a hug and I tried to hold on for as long as I could. He gently disengaged himself and made to leave but I held on tight to his hand. He smiled at me. He had sympathy in his eyes. He understood but then, he discreetly rubbed the bulge that was my tummy and gave me a gentle stare.

I let go of his hand. At that point, it dawned on me that it was not just his hand I let go of. I had let go of part of me, his protection and cover, his name, my hometown, part of my tie to him…….I was leaving my father’s house to be in my husband’s! I stood rooted to the spot for about a minute till I heard my momma clear her throat. I smiled and thought, “I trust my momma to help put things in perspective”.

I turned to climb the stairs to where my husband-to-be was patiently waiting.  My husband-to-be?! Not really. It was more like my baby papa who I am going to spend the rest of my life with.  With that thought, I scanned the crowd and saw Max. The minister had started to speak but I was not really paying attention.

I have never seen Max this sorrowful in my whole life. My heart reached out to him and I felt a sharp stab of pain in my chest. I had betrayed the one person who should be standing before me here today in the place of Ranti. I should be changing my name today to Mrs Tonya Max Smith instead of Mrs Tonya Ranti Eleru that it will become. Yuck!

I glanced over at Max again and I felt a wave of heat. My BFF, Desirae and his sister Michelle were at his sides, holding on tight to his hand, silently reassuring him that they were there to support him alone. The minister decided he would give a long speech first so we had to go sit.

Oh what a stupid mistake! I cast my mind back to that night…

Max had been abroad for over a year. I was sick of missing him and tired of spending Friday nights alone, watching dumb movies. No matter how much I tried, I just could not have fun. My world was cold and empty without Max. My parents where away for a two-week vacation to celebrate their anniversary and Desirae was spending the weekend at her fiancé’s as he had just arrived from a one-month business trip.

Ranti was my crush from work but it was no big deal. Well, it was not until he showed up at my door step that lonely Friday. I knew better but I invited him in anyway. I was having some of dad’s vintage red wine and some fine small chops I had ordered out on my way from work. I had just dimmed the parlour lights and was about to watch a romantic movie. I mean, I was bored so the least I could do was give as much cinema effect as possible. I asked him to join me. We chatted a little and moved on to watch the movie I had rented.

When the small chops finished, I got out some chocolates from the fridge. Now, who does that? Take alcohol and aphrodisiac in a deserted place with dimmed lights while watching a romantic movie with your crush?! (Do not try this at home oh!)* All I know is that I was already getting crushed by the end of the movie and the end result…

The memories feel out of my mind as we walked back to the altar. As Ranti started saying his vows, I glanced over at Max again. He looked like he was facing death itself. I could still hear him pleading with my dada to let him marry me regardless but my dada refused, saying he did not want matters to be any more complicated than they already were.

I had presented my hand for Ranti to slip the ring on and just as he was about to, a terrible and very real sharp pain surged through me and lingered at my abdomen. I screamed and crouched low, holding on to my tummy.  The ring fell as I heard my momma scream for an ambulance.

There seemed to be a lot of screaming and confusion. Ranti was trying to help me to a chair while the minister crossed himself severally. I was growing weak very fast. My hand felt surprisingly moist so I struggled to peek at it through dizzy eyes. I saw blood. I understood and then, I saw black!

A Way from Evergreen!

We had just dropped off my fiancé and were on our way home when we got stuck in traffic. Of course it would take a while for the traffic to clear up and I did not want to bother about how much time I would waste, so I reclined my chair and relaxed. I dozed off a bit and in that little time......

.           .           .           .           .           

I had a dream about a beautiful seedling, very green. It had lots of water; and sunlight from a source I could not identify. Right there, it made significant growth. All of a sudden, the light started to dim, slowly but surely. The water’s flow also started to reduce gradually.

The plant kept growing still, at a slower pace now. Eventually, the light totally vanished and the water supply was cut-off but the plant still remained green for a short while. Then, suddenly, the plant started to whither from the tip of its still immature leaves.

As time progressed, the leaves started to fall off one by one and its frail branches started to dry up. An unexplainable pain tore at my heart and I started to scream for help. The seedling that had grown to be a young tree, right before my own eyes was beginning to die and I could do nothing. I screamed for the water to be turned on, I yelled for the dark to slide off the sky but it seemed the control officers had gone on sabbatical.

The dryness crept towards the stem and I sank to the ground, crying in deep agony of the unfairness of it all. Well, what do you know? The leave must have ended because all of a sudden, light started to show through and the water came on, first , in droplets and then in increasing quantity.

I then sat on the ground crossed-ankle and watched as the little tree started to heal at a painfully slow pace. After awhile, I got up to leave, knowing that, though it would take quite awhile, my young tree will bounce back. Yes, it will bounce back!

                                    .           .           .           .           .           

I roused from my sleep and tried to figure out what this dream could possibly mean. Of course one cannot take the dream literally, it has to signify something. That being established, Nigeria came to mind.

It’s quite simple really. I represent the people, smiling watching the young tree- Nigeria- grow. Falling in love with it and wanting to be identified with it, up until corrupt individuals- the control officers- our rulers, decided to withdraw the resources- the water and sunlight- necessary for our growth.

We thank God however, that things are beginning to look up a bit. It definitely will take time to restore Nigeria back to perfect health but we will get there. We may not have perfect health till the days of our great-grand children but we will get there, eventually.

Where Stupid Starts?!

I walked to the side of my office where the shelves were located, grabbed off the tissue box and walked back to the table. I offered her the tissue, sat across from her and held her hand. She sobbed quietly and blew her nose frequently.

Maxine and I have been friends for a very long time. Ours is a very strange friendship. We do not hang out together or do any girly stuff together. However, because we both aren’t very open people, we confide only in each other, keep each other’s secrets and offer the best advice we can (after enough thought, of course).




We feel no shame in sharing our most stupid decisions and experiences. We do not look down on each other. We share ideas and even map up strategies for work but that is all there is and possibly all there will ever…….

“Tosin, do you know how many times I have made this same mistake?” she asked.

“It’s alright dear, you will be just fine”, I replied.

“Don’t you think I’m stupid?”

“No, I do not. You made a stupid mistake, yes but that does not make you a stupid person”, I reassured her as I squeezed her hand.

I could lie to her you know, say things to make her smile but it is of no use because she will beat herself up once she leaves my office. She might as well get it over with while I am here to pacify her.

I still had a few files strewn on my desk but it was okay to sit with her as I had done more than I planned for the day, besides, it was almost time to go home anyway. I held her hand for another five minutes and then let go.

“You know what girl? Go home, get good food, have a warm bath, cry some more and then watch this”, I said as I handed her the season4 of ‘Everybody Hates Chris’. She smiled a little and nodded. I walked her to the door and as she paused to look at me, I gave her a reassuring smile, a warm hug and a pat on the back.

When the door closed, I sighed and walked lazily to my desk. Come to think of it, is Maxine not stupid? Maxine is constantly having unprotected sex with her partner and countless times, she could have gotten pregnant and so many times, she had been lucky not to but now she is.

Now, you might say she is not a kid, why not get married? It is bad timing, that is why. Maxine is due to make Associate in one of the most prestigious law firm in West Africa and not only that, Jason, her partner is about to open up his art studio. Need I tell you that they are both working crazy hours right now to ensure they both reach their goals?

These two are highly ambitious people and there is no way they had give up everything or risk sacrificing everything at this critical point. I know Maxine is struggling because she is catholic and abortion is not an acceptable practice.

Usually, when Maxine has a challenge and I see her to the door, I would tell her not to worry, that I will think about it and give her an advice the next day. Today, I said nothing because I know it is not my place to advice her this time considering all at stake.

I shook my head and sighed, “Stupid! Stupid!! Stupid!!!”